actually, i nak tanya one really important question.
apakah batas batas hubungan antara tunang. i have just got engaged, but
i don’t know do’s and dont’s antara tunang. my fiance is in malaysia so
basically we don’t really see each other, but the thing is, we email
everyday and call each other twice a week. so dalam email tu what can i
say and what i cannot say? kalau cakap macam i miss you tu salah ke?
Assalamu ‘Alaykum Alhamudlillah Wa-Salat wa-Salam ‘ala Rasulillah.
Dear fulan,
Thank you for your letter and your question. May I first congratulate
you on your recent engagement and we pray that this will lead to a good
marriage, Amin.
Getting engaged or proposed (in Fiqhi terminology, it is called Khitba;
you are the khatib while the girl is the makhtuba) is a social custom (an
‘urf or ‘adat) and it is a way for a prospective couple and their families
to get to know one another and prepare themselves for their new life.
Despite it being a ‘custom’, it was practiced during the time of our Prophet
(may Allah bless him and grant him peace!). This can be seen when he forbade
a man to propose to a girl who had already been proposed (or in Arabic,
the girl ‘had been spoken to’, hence it is called a Khitba, from the Arabic
verb khataba yakhtubu khitbatan). The Shar’i ruling for Khitba is
recommended [mandub or sunna]. Like any other social custom that leads
or facilitates to something that is good - in this case, marriage - it
becomes recommended.
As you have already been ‘engaged’, I will not go into the details
governing the rules with regard to the adab for proposing marriage. It
is sufficient that you know of the permissibleness or rather the
recommendedness [mandub] for the suitor (i.e. you) to look at her face
and hands (as the face indicates her beauty and the hands indicate the
robustness of her body) and none other than these may be looked at
(during the period of your Khitba). As our Prophet (may Allah bless him and
grant him peace!) said to one of the Muhajirun who wanted to ask for the hand
of an Ansar girl: unzur ilayha, fainnahu ahra an yu’dama baynakuma [Look
at her, for it is likelier to last between you]; meaning that love, is
likelier to last in your life after marriage, even if it results in an
increase of ’shahwat’ on your part before the marriage. This ’seeing’
is especially important before getting engaged to her. In fact, you are
entitled, according to our madhhab, the Shafi’i school, to look at her
repeatedly (only the halal parts) as many times as you wish when you
need to make sure of how she looks, so you do not come to have regrets after
getting married (although beauty is last in our priority list
[awlawiyyat] in looking for a suitable partner for marriage; the first in the list
being religiousness, then intelligence, then good adab, and so on). Of
course, she is also entitled to the same rights. The bottom line is, her hijab
(and yours too) must remain in place. If you have shown an interest (and
indeed you have and have proposed openly to her as I understand it now), then
presumably you recognised her from her face. Her face and her hands are
about as far as you are permitted to be able to see and even this is a
rukhsa, a dispensation or easiness in Islamic Law.
However, what you are concern about is with respect to your status now,
that is, a state whereby you are not yet in wedlock but only a suitor.
Let me remind you that the practice perhaps prevalent in our society
today of fiancé running around together with his fiancée in so-called
‘outings’ or ‘dates’ is against the spirit of the Shari’a and should be avoided,
as a suitor still has no right to socialise with her in the same way a
husband would. In fact it becomes haram when you are together intimately as it
may lead to a disobedient action [ma’siyya] - whether it leads to the
disobedient act or not, it is still a sin to be together intimately.
Remember always the Hadith of our Prophet (may Allah bless him and
grant him peace!):
La yahluwanna rajulun bi imraatin la tahillu lahu, fainna thalitha huma
al-shaytanu illa mahram [Let not a man be alone with a girl who is not yet Halal for him, for the third person among them is the devil, except if
there is a mahram between them].
Now, we know that courtship or engagement is recommended because it
leads to something that is praiseworthy in our religion and it should be used
by the couple and their family to become familiar with each other.
However, this rukhsa [dispensation] should not be abused. It is considered to
have been abused if the end result is a disobedient act such as the zina of
the eyes (when you look at where you’re not supposed to; i.e., looking at
the haram) or the zina of the tongue (when you say something that you’re
not supposed to; i.e., saying the haram) or worse, the real zina.
As Imam al-Shafi’i (204 H / 820) (may Allah be well pleased with him!)
said: ma min saqita illa walaha la qitatun [Nothing falls except that
someone will collect it]. This is true, for even the useless things we
throw away on the roadside are being collected; what about human beings
who have desires and their nafs to cater for? It becomes especially
dangerous when she is irresistibly beautiful. Sometimes it is wise for us to
reject seeking something that will benefit us (such as the rukhsa given to us
during this period of courtship) so as to prevent a greater evil. As a
Fiqhi principle [qa’ida] goes: dar’u al-mafasidi muqaddamun ‘ala jalbi
al-masalihi [preventing harm is more important than getting benefit].
In such matters, you will have to be the judge of this (when to use and
not to use this rukhsa) and decide judiciously and use your own ijtihad (as
you would if you didn’t know where the qibla is, etc.).
Remember that until you marry her, she is just another non-mahram girl,
one that has to be suitably dressed, suitably spoken to, and suitably
treated and accompanied. This is why the length of a courtship or Khitba should
not be delayed more than it is necessary to. Despite this, we all
understand that the engagement length really varies according to individual
circumstances. So for example, prospective couples may want to delay a
marriage while they prepare their home; they may want to find out more
about each other, understand one another, make plans for the future,
ila akhiri; but whatever the reasons for waiting, it should not be for too
long. In Islam, a prolonged delay is often a sign that one or even both
of the prospective partners are running away from the responsibility of
marriage.
Whatever the case may be, during this ‘getting-to-know’ period, it is,
nonetheless, wajib for the prospective couple to follow the appropriate
Islamic rules governing unmarried couples at all times. It maybe
helpful to remember that a Khitba or an engagement is a promise of marriage (or
proposal); it is not marriage itself. That, we hope insha’ Allah, comes
later.
Therefore, it should be clear from this that writing letters between
the prospective couples is, in the first instance, permissible [mubah].
Especially if it is to inquire of her well-being or ‘getting-to-know’
her and so on. Nevertheless, with regard to your question of advancing or
writing intimate gestures to her: this depends upon the situation. The
decent thing for you to observe - from the Islamic point of view - is
to tread carefully in this matter. Whatever you write, see, or do, I would
advice against any immaturity at this point in time. There is little
point in getting too emotional now, after all you will insha’ Allah be
spending the rest of your life with her (you don’t want to get tired of her too
soon - just kidding, but reflect upon this). Furthermore, the engagement
(and indeed life itself) cannot function on the basis of whims and
fantasies.
For your writing of “Love, fulan” or “Missing you, fulan” as is customarily
the case when people write their signature; then there is no harm done,
provided that this does not lead to what I have said above, a zina of
the tongue or any other acts of disobedience. Also, it is in principle
permissible for you to say when you were proposing: “I want to marry
you” which in Fiqhi terms is called a tasrih expression [proposing openly]
or indicating indirectly your desire to marry her such as when you say:
“You are beautiful” or “I love you” which is called a ta’rid expression
[proposing allusively]. However, it will not be proper for you [makruh]
to repeat such expressions knowing the fact that her family and herself
have already accepted your Khitba. It is like saying “I want to marry you”
many times over; and if you had said this, it in fact makes the ta’rid
expression (i.e., I love you) redundant since the ta’rid is weaker than
the tasrih - meaning, in an act of proposal, saying ‘I love you’ is less
direct than saying ‘I want to marry you’; so if you had already said ‘I want
to marry you’ and she (and her family) accepts, then there is actually no
real need for you to say ‘I love you’ anymore (during the period of your
Khitba but do express your love to her a lot more after getting married (than
you did before marriage) since this will keep the relationship strong
throughout your marriage).
The bottom line is, any discussion with respect to anything to do with
your preparations for marriage and your future household with her and so on
is permissible (it is more preferable [awla] for this to happen while
being chaperoned). Therefore, if you are writing letters to her (being a
private affair between you two), the content of your discourse with her in the
letter should not be one of mutlaq or without limit as to include
flattering and erotism but one that is muqayyad and limited to
discussing:
(1) issues relating to your future family;
(2) issues relating to the marriage itself;
(3) finding out more about each other;
(4) asking for her well-being;
(5) giving or receiving advice.
Provided that this is done without flattering on either part, then you
will be safe from the zina of the tongue.
In retrospect, try and imagine yourself being married to her after some
time (and imagine that you had written to her in a most flattering way
before your marriage) and ponder whether you would be writing to her as
much as you used to or as emotional as you used to be. Perhaps you
might never write again to her (after being married). If this is true, this
will not only be a source of sadness to her (and so a source of
embarrassment to you) but by doing the zina of the tongue, there will still be no
benefit in your future married life except for the sin you might have incurred
before you married.
In short, let me summarise for you the limitations [hudud] for a
prospective couple who are in a state between Khitba and Nikah:
(1) the Limits of the Eye: only the hands (up to her wrists) and her
face;
(2) the Limits of Speaking (and Writing): the 5 things mentioned above;
(3) the Limits of Meeting or Socialising: a Mahram has to be present.
If you think you cannot keep to these boundaries and feel that you are
about to transgress any of the limitations mentioned here, then you
should not delay your engagement any longer and get married!
Muslims who live either in a secular or a western society, where the
‘urf and ‘adat run contrary to Islamic teachings, often find it difficult to
come to terms with the Shari’a, particularly when it comes to ideas
about marriage and family and sexual relations. Our ‘rules of engagement’ may
be different, but, unlike the West, al-Hamdulillah so far we have managed
to keep the family intact.
My personal advice is for you to approach this issue with maturity and
sabr; keep a level head and be a professional Muslim; and bear in mind
always the implications of whatever actions you choose to take.
Let us end with the du’a of when one is told, ‘I love you’:
Ahabbakalladhi Ahbabtani lahu
May He [i.e., Allah], for Whose sake you love me, love you also.
May this be of benefit.
Only Allah knows best.
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